Septic Love
by maxandmo
Summary: What happens when the Colons...err..Cullens move into the Trailer Park?  2nd place winner of the Trailer Trash Cullen Contest.  A humorous tale of trailer trash love.
1. Chapter 1

**Trailer Trash Cullen One-Shot Contest**

**Septic Love**

**by: maxandmo**

**Bella/Edward, Alice/Jasper, Emmett/Rosalie, Carlisle/Esme**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Rated M for bad words and lemons.**

"Bella, get your sweet ass over here!" Emmett yelled, to his second cousin. "You're looking hot today."

"Well, maybe because it _is _hot, you dipshit," she answered.

Emmett never ceased from telling Bella how hot she was even when it was cold. He thought because they were second cousins, that their relationship could be taken to another level. Bella was disgusted by the mere thought of this.

The sound of 'Sweet Home Alabama' radiated throughout the Forks Trailer Park. It was a hot summer day, and everyone was hanging out at the pond in the center of the park. Most of the trailers had no air-conditioning, and the residents welcomed the feeling of the crisp, yet murky water.

Emmett lived with Bella and her father ever since his own ran off with her mother. They had all learned to get along through the years, and Bella thought of him as a brother, thus adding to the disgust she felt when he ogled her.

Bella's father, Charlie, was a security guard at the 7-eleven store up the street from the trailer park. It served as a haven for lottery players from around the state. A few years back a winning ticket was bought by a passer by, so folks would camp out when the drawing was big, thinking they too, could be a winner. There were often fights, as people were forced to wait in line for hours. Charlie took his job very serious, earning the nickname of 'chief', which he loved.

It was a special weekend for Bella since her best friend Alice, and her baby's daddy, Jasper, were in town. They were carnies, and traveled all over during the summer months. Alice ran a booth reading tarot cards, and selling people a load of crap while holding their hands. So Jasper watched their son, Little Jazz, and ran the Corn-in-the-Hole game.

It was unusual for them to be home, but Alice's mother was celebrating her third divorce, so they had promised to help her move into their trailer. She was going to keep an eye on things while they were on the road.

"Hey Bella," said Alice, who was siting with her at the edge of the water. "Did you hear that some family is moving onto James's old lot?"

James, and his wife Victoria, were forced to move, after he set fire to their trailer in a jealous rage. He apparently caught Victoria making out with some chick named Jane. While he was pissed at first, his buddies urged him to embrace his luck, and the three of them moved to the park down the road.

"I heard that," Bella said, while chewing her gum. "Alice, you do know that rubbing baby oil all over yourself is gonna fry you like bacon, right?"

"Hell yeah. Jasper likes me all tan. You look like an old fuckin' lady with that big ass hat on," she said to Bella, who was lathering 50 SPF all over herself, while wearing a humungous straw hat.

"Girl, you know how bad I sunburn. Plus, I'm looking for a job. I can't look like a lobster."

Bella had just graduated from high school. She was the first one in her family to do so, and now was hunting for a job. Times were tough, and even with a high school diploma, she was having trouble finding something worthy of her time.

"Yo Alice, were you trying to suck the life out of Jasper, or what?" Emmett yelled, while pointing at Jasper's neck full of hickeys. "Damn, girl!"

"I was just tryin' to mark my territory when y'all take him to Juicy Lucy's after the demolition derby," she answered casually.

"Emmett, you're lookin' fine. Are you still engaged to Tanya?" Alice asked.

Emmett was standing in front of her in his wife beater tank top, confederate flag swim trunks, and had a big wad of chew in his mouth.

"Hell no. That bitch was crazy," he said, as he pulled his tank top up to reveal a huge 'TA' that had been scratched into his chest. "She carved this into my chest one night. I thought I was getting lucky cuz she tied me up, but shit, she took my pocket knife and fucked me up." Emmett spit his tobacco into the pond.

Bella couldn't help but snort at his explanation. "That's because you spelled her name wrong on your tattoo."

She pointed to his extremely large bicep, on which a rose was tattooed. The vine made cursive letters to spell 'Tonya'. Emmett mistakenly told the tattoo artist an 'O' instead of an 'A', hence the 'TA' on his chest.

"Well, I'll never forget how to spell it now. I caught her checking my phone, and looking through my shit one too many times. She had to go. It's a good thing I got her ring at the flea market since she flushed it down the toilet. I was not sticking my hand in shit to get it back."

Bella hung out by the water, alternating between reading her favorite book, and scanning the want ads, the rest of the afternoon. Though she enjoyed relaxing, a part of her couldn't help but be envious of Alice, Jasper, and Little Jazz, as she watched them playing in the pond.

Most of her friends already had kids, but she was adamant about having them with the right guy. She was old fashioned and wanted to at least be engaged first, and hoped that she could be ten times the mother her own turned out to be.

She had only had one boyfriend, and Jake had moved across the country with his family years ago. They kept in touch for a while, but last she heard he was in prison out in Washington State. Charlie had forbid her from keeping in contact with him after that. He had no tolerance for law breakers, and Bella respected her father's wishes.

Bella hadn't planned on being a virgin for so long, but it was the way things had worked out. She hoped she would meet someone worthy of her virginity, and couldn't wait to see what all the hype was about regarding sex.

"Earth to Bella! Girlfriend, I've been calling your name for ever. Hellooo," Alice was yelling, from atop Jasper's shoulders. "It's chicken fighting time."

Great, Bella thought. She refused to get on top of Emmett's shoulders, instead opting for Riley's. Even when Riley would 'accidentally' cop a feel, it was still less creepy to her. Riley was great looking but was very bossy and was always getting into fights. Bella wasn't interested in the drama that came along with him.

Bella decided to call it day after being beaten by Alice several times. Alice may have been small, but she was a mighty spit-fire, especially when it came to chicken fighting.

The group as a whole decided to walk back with Bella. The demolition derby was later, and Emmett was the star driver. Upon their arrival at the trailer park, they spotted a huge double wide at the entrance.

"Holy hell, y'all. That there's the mother load," said Jasper, in awe of the enormous trailer that was entering the park.

"That's not going to fit nowhere," said Riley.

"Hmm, that must belong to those _Colons_. They're the ones moving to Vicky's old lot," Emmett said, with certainty.

"Vicky?" Alice said, with her eyebrow raised.

"Alice, don't you remember? _Vicky _was Emmett's first. They did it behind the roller rink in ninth grade. He came inside to skate with his green Guess jeans all full of blood. It was disgusting," Bella said, with a grimace.

"Oh, shit. That's right. He kept going on and on about how he was in love with the fire bush. I must have pregnancy brain," Alice said, with a smirk.

"Alice!" Bella exclaimed.

"I know, right? Jasper pulled out every time except for the once in the fun house at the county fair. We didn't think it was right to get spoo where kids would be playing," Alice said, in all honesty.

Ew, Bella thought. "How considerate of you," she said, dryly.

"My Alice is a barracuda in the sack," said Jasper, proudly.

There was movement behind the double wide, which thankfully ended their talk of fun house sex.

"Would you get a hold of that. Woo hoo, you're the hottest piece of ass to ever step foot in this place," Emmett yelled, to a big blond girl with huge brown roots, who was standing next to the enormous trailer. He proceeded to whistle at her, while grabbing his package.

She was standing next to two little boys who were obviously bi-racial. They were peeing at the same time on the side of the trailer. "Fuck you, you ugly big bastard," the mean looking girl yelled back.

Her response only made Emmett more interested in her. "I think I'm in love," he said to his friends.

They continued their walk to their own trailers while talking about having a cook-out before heading to the derby. Alice was taking Little Jazz in for a nap, while the guys were going hunting for some appetizers. The woods nearby made for some convenient hunting grounds. Most anything tasted like chicken if it was cooked correctly.

Bella spent her time before the cook-out baking brownies and then showered. When she came out of her trailer a while later, she noticed a septic tank truck parked on the empty lot. She was curious because the whole trailer park had just been taken care of the year before, and weren't due for another two years.

She took a big whiff of air to see if she could smell a problem with their septic system. Though she didn't smell any sewage, the smell of BBQ mixed with stale cigarette smoke floated through the air.

Interesting, she thought. The last time the park had septic problems the whole place smelled like shit. She also noticed that the truck had a clever logo on the front; The Stool Bus. She giggled to herself as she walked to meet the others.

As Bella reached the designated cook-out area, she noticed a striking man with blond hair and blue eyes talking to the guys. Next to him stood a woman with bouffant hair, who was smoking a Swisher Sweet cigar.

"Hey, Bella, this here is Carlisle and Esme. They own that double wide we saw earlier," Jasper said, by way of introduction.

Emmett, Riley, and Jasper already had their kill skinned and cooking on the fire. Bella rarely asked what type of meat it was, as she liked to imagine it was just chicken. The boys were always proud of themselves, and she didn't want to balk at their successful, yet less than appealing, meat choices. They invited the couple with the odd names to join them.

"Bella, honey, it's so nice to meet you. Would you like a smoke?" Esme said, as she held a cigar out to Bella.

"No thanks."

The Esme woman must have held stock in the Aqua Net hairspray company. It was close to one hundred degrees out, yet the woman's hair was completely intact.

"Hey, I'll take one of those yummy smelling cancer sticks!" Alice exclaimed, while grabbing one from Esme's hand. "I love me some Swisher Sweets. I'm Alice," she said, as she held her free hand out to shake Esme's.

"Alice, you're pregnant!" Bella whispered.

"Girl, this baby is so small it will hardly matter," Alice said, as she patted her non-existent baby bump.

"That's right y'all, Alice and I are expecting another bundle of goddamn joy!" Jasper exclaimed.

The guys lined up shots, and everyone, to include Alice, downed them in one big gulp. "Fuck yeah!" exclaimed Carlisle, as he placed his plastic cup next to everyone else's.

"So who's shit pumper is that?" Alice asked, as she pointed to 'The Stool Bus'.

"Dear, it's our family's. You dump it, we pump it. That's our motto," Esme explained. "Carlisle works when he feels like it, but our son, Edward, runs shit these days."

Bella couldn't hold in her snort of laughter any longer. She clutched her gut, and was in complete hysterics. Everyone was staring at her with confused looks on their faces.

"Oh, come on. She said Edward runs shit. That is funny!" Bella was still giggling and everyone was still looking at her with blank expressions on their faces. "Whatever. You fuck-sticks wouldn't know funny if it kicked you in the ass."

"Edward takes his job very serious. Your shit is our bread and butter," Carlisle said, with a smile.

Emmett was staring at the couple and suddenly had an amused look on his face. "Get the fuck out of here. You people are honey dippers with the last name of Colon! Fuck me!" he said, through his laughter.

"Our last name is Cullen, not _C__olon,_ you cocksucker," said a voice from behind them.

Emmett turned to see the mean, pretty girl and the two little black and white boys. "You must be a _Colon_..err..Cullen then. I'm Emmett, the baddest demolition derby driver on this side of the Mississippi. Whose kids are those, and why are they peeing on the shit truck's tires?"

"They're my kids you dick-licker, and who gives a rat's ass where they piss?" she said, while grabbing for a cigar.

"Baby, you are hot," Emmett said, while he admired her much too tight tank top and short shorts. He started to lick his lips and even a blind person could tell he was starting to pop a boner.

Before anyone could take notice of Emmett's woody, a Firebird sped towards them. Just as the group was about to jump out of the way, the car skidded to a stop kicking up dust everywhere. Kid Rock blasted form the speakers, and fuzzy dice hung from the rearview mirror.

The car door opened and everyone's eyes were waiting to see who drove such an awesome hot rod. Out came a guy wearing a Budweiser tank top, acid washed jeans with holes in the knees, a NASCAR hat on backwards, and his left ear was pierced. The flowing locks of his auburn hair could be seen from underneath his hat. He had a thin frame and was a little taller than average. His eyes were covered with orange Oakley shades, and he was wearing red rubber flip flops.

"Mm, what a fox," Bella said, under her breath. Alice heard her and looked over towards her knowingly.

"If I wasn't knocked up and crazy for Jasper, I'd be all over that. Bella you've got to have a piece of that and tell me how it is," Alice said.

"Alice. Shh, he's going to hear you." Bella elbowed her loud-mouthed friend.

"Hey, ladies. Sup?" he said, with a wink. "I'm Edward. It's nice to meet y'all."

"Y'all want to go to the Demolition Derby with us tonight? You totally should. It's fucking rad, dudes," Alice said, elbowing Bella and showing her crossed fingers.

"As long as you're going," Edward said, as he pulled a surprised Bella in for a hug.

"Um, yeah, I'm so there," Bella said, as she looked into his eyes.

"Yo, babe with the colored kids," Emmett said, to the blond girl with brown roots. "I want you to go as my guest, and I'll personally see to it that you get a piece of the car I demolish first. The kids can have some beef jerky for free. That's how I roll."

"My name is Rose, and if you ever want to use your nuts again, you will stop calling me babe. Throw in some cotton candy for these brats, and we are so there. Tony, Alec, get your black asses over here before I get out my paddle," Rose yelled, to her kids.

Bella raced home with a plate for Charlie since he was stuck working the 7-eleven. She then curled her bangs and spritzed some body spray all over herself. She put on a pair of daisy duke shorts and a Kid Rock concert t-shirt that she picked up on clearance at the Winn Dixie. She was dressing for Edward. He obviously loved Kid Rock, and now, so did she. She threw on some big hoop earrings and used the new blue eyeliner that she had been saving.

She had never experienced such a rush of electricity before Edward's hug. He was hotness complete with wheels and a j.o.b. Bella made it her mission to lose her virginity to him, and soon.

Bella heard a horn blasting outside of her trailer. When she peeked out the window she saw the Firebird, and her heart skipped a beat. She was loving Edward's assuming nature, and loved a man to take the lead.

Bella got into his car and he took off like rapid fire. He had the music cranked loud to old time rock-and-roll, and before she knew it they were at the arena. Edward raced to her side of the car so he could open the door for her. As he helped her out of the car he produced a mix tape from behind her ear, as if it was magic.

"Stick with me, and I'll show you all my tricks," he whispered into her ear.

Bella blushed and accepted the mix tape from him. It was the nicest thing she had ever gotten from a guy. He grabbed her hand and they found seats next to the others.

Emmett completely dominated the derby taking first place. As promised he brought a large piece of metal to Rose. She slapped him in the face and then smacked him on the ass. "They say once you've gone black, you never go back. Well fuck them and the horses the all rode in on. I want you, you big stud. Y'all hear that? This is my man, so all you other bitches can step off!"

Emmett was grinning from ear to ear. "I want you Rosie, and them black kids of yours. I'm gonna take care of them too."

With that, they started making out right in the grandstand. Applause could be heard around the arena. Rose fingered the tattoo of the rose on his arm, and then got a huge smile on her face when she saw the 'Tonya'. "Emmett, it's like fate. You have a rose for me and Tony and A for my boys. We were meant to be." With that revelation, Rose felt sure that she belonged with Emmett.

Edward raced Bella home in his car. This time he had his music turned down enough so they could talk. They parked in front of his parents' gigantic double wide that was now safely situated on the lot. He cut the engine and they continued to get to know each other. Edward knew that Bella was the girl for him, the moment he laid his eyes on her.

"Bella, if we are going to be together, I need you to see my first love," he said, as he led her toward the septic tank truck, while cracking open a beer. "This...is my past, present, and my future. I have been looking for someone who will take as much pride in it as I do. Will you be that person, Bella?" Edward said, sincerely.

She was trying not to breathe deeply, as the smell of raw sewage was nauseating, though she did want to be his girl. "Oh, yes, Edward. I will be your proud and faithful pumping companion."

He opened the door to his truck, popped in the mix tape, and laid her down on the long and wide bench seat. They started to make out and she could feel how much he wanted her. "Bella, you know once we start this, there is no turning back. I can't pump right if I have blue balls."

"Edward, I want to be with you!" she exclaimed, as she reveled in the smell of the beer on his breath.

Edward shed his clothes, except for his tightie whities, and Bella did the same. "I love that you wore a Kid Rock shirt tonight. You looked hot," Edward said, as he gave her a sucker bite.

Bella was panting, and could feel the dampness pool between her legs. This was all new to her, but she could tell Edward knew what he was doing. She was more than happy to let him take the lead.

He was sucking on her nipples and rubbing his thumb across them. She grabbed his ass through his underwear and he moaned, "Fuck yeah, baby." He continued to suck on her nipples and then moved back so he could admire them. "Bella, I just love your titties," he said.

"Thanks, Edward. You make me feel so pretty."

She brazenly grabbed the front of his underwear which caused him to hiss. She took that as a good sign and placed her hand inside. She couldn't believe how silky smooth his dick was. It felt large, and she panicked at the thought of fitting that inside of her. She pushed the fear aside, and started to stroke him.

It only took a minute and then he was swearing and convulsing at the same time. The next thing Bella knew, her hand was completely sticky.

"Damn, darlin'. You give one hell of a hand-job. Fuck yeah," he said, as he high-fived her non-sticky hand.

Edward produced a crusty hand towel from behind his seat. Bella wiped off her hand, and wasn't sure what was going to happen next. She heard a noise next to her and when she looked over, Edward was snoring.

She was not only disappointed, but frustrated as well. Her panties were in a ruffle and she was ready and willing to have him deflower her.

She lightly tapped his chest, and when that didn't work, she took his nipple into her mouth and bit it. "Ow, fuck," he said, obviously now awake.

When he assessed the situation, Edward realized what had happened. "Oh, baby. I'm sorry. I busted a nut and then fell asleep. That happens sometimes," he told her, with a smile. He gently pushed her down so that she was laying on her back. "I'm gonna give you some lovin' you ain't never gonna forget."

He slid her panties off and licked his lips. He placed his finger on her clit and started to rub it gently. Bella was panting, "Oh, that feels so good."

Edward continued to play with her love button, and she continued to find pleasure from it. He then slid a finger into her wet opening and started to move it back and forth. Edward added another and was taking Bella places she didn't know existed.

He removed his hand from her wetness and started to stroke himself with it. He put his hand to his mouth and spit on it. Before Bella could question his actions, he stroked himself some more, and moved towards her wet and ready pussy.

Edward placed himself at her entrance and pushed forward. When he was met with the resistance of her virginity, he stopped and looked her in the eyes, "Bella, you're going to let me pop your cherry inside of my livelihood? You fucking rock! Don't worry, you can't get pregnant the first time."

With that, he pushed into her harder and felt her expand to fit his manhood. She let herself relax, and met his quick and feverish movements. She locked her legs around his waist, and moved to the sync of the ever rocking mix tape.


	2. A Trailer Trash Valentine's Day

**Happy Valentine's Day! I couldn't resist revisiting the trashy couple. This is un-beta'd...mostly because I didn't feel like bothering anyone. Thanks to obsmama and twillly for pre-reading. Twillly came up with the 'hole' accident idea and termed the comb-over. Agrutle and obsmama...eat your hearts out;) Happy way early birthday to sexilexicullen...**

**Stephenie Meyer owns these characters and would freak out if she read this!**

A continuation of Septic Love:

Ever since the night he popped her cherry, Bella had belonged to Edward. He was a loyal man, and she was more than willing to be his woman. They snuck as many intimate moments as they could, but it all depended on Charlie's schedule at the 7-eleven. It was also tricky since they had begun to use birth control. Pulling and praying tended to be a sticky situation.

Bella could only take so much love making in the septic tank truck. In fact, they hadn't done it there in months. The last time was disastrous. Edward rushed home to see Bella and didn't empty the contents of the truck. It was especially hot out and Bella was so eager to please her man, that she was holding her breath due to the terrible smell. Edward was immune to the smell of raw sewage stemming from so many years of being a pumper.

Edward was usually a two pump chump, but it just figured that the day he was taking longer to get off, Bella was even more sensitive to the smell. She held her breath the entire time and ended up passing out.

Edward was horrified, as he thought she had fallen asleep during his stellar sexual performance. He shook her, and when she didn't respond, he thought he had killed her with his massive cock. Edward grabbed a flashlight and shined it in her eyes, but she didn't wake up. He was frantic and remembered he saw an old episode of the Dukes of Hazzard where Bo slapped Luke in the face to wake him up.

Edward threw caution to wind and slapped Bella's cheek. He felt horrible about it but wasn't sure what else he should do. That did the trick and a disoriented Bella stared up at him. "Oh, baby. You saved my life. I saw the bright light! The Lord was callin' me, but I said I wasn't ready to leave this place. Oh, Edward, you're my hero."

Edward wasn't about to let her know that he had shined the light in her eyes. He much rather preferred for her to think of him as her savior.

Since then, they had to be creative and find other private places they could go to get it on. Bella's dad was still too gung ho on the wanna be cop thing, so they refused to temp his trigger finger by getting caught bumping uglies. Emmett still technically lived with her, and though he spent much of his time at Rosalie's, one never knew when he'd drop in unexpectedly. The disturbing part was that Emmett would see coitus interruptus as the highlight of his year, whereas Bella would be disgusted. It had been a frustrating few months.

Edward's trailer was like a revolving door. People just loved Esme, and honored her like the social messiah she aimed to be. Since the Cullens had the biggest trailer, she hosted every single event there was.

Though Edward's work was slowing down, Bella's was getting busier. She had gotten a job at the Forks Bowling Alley. She often worked nights which left little alone time for the happy, but horny couple. Valentines Day was quickly approaching, which brought excitement to the entire trailer park. It was the first year that the Wal-Mart was open for the holiday of love, and everyone was ready to spend their social security and welfare checks due to the massive rollbacks that were being advertised.

Edward was wracking his brain trying to come up with the perfect present for his girl. He had no idea what to get her, and was hoping she would make him a list. He was used to picking up convenience store flowers, but since Charlie worked there, he didn't think it would be appropriate. Plus, he had never felt the way he felt about Bella.

Bella's hours had been crazy since Christmas due to all of the holiday parties that were taking place at the bowling alley. Edward wasn't sure he liked the fact that she worked around drunk bowlers, but knew she didn't mind the job. He tried to hang out in the billiards room as much as possible, and on the nights he didn't, he made sure to mark her with a hickey or two. It wasn't that he didn't trust her, more that he wanted the bowlers to know she was his. He was new in town and wanted to be taken seriously as Bella's man.

It was one of those evenings, when Edward left Bella at work to do some random shopping, that an announcement was made, and he knew exactly what he had to get her. He was in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart checking to see if the hunting rifles were on clearance, when a Wal-Mart worker made the most perfect announcement over the intercom. Kid Rock was going on tour! Edward couldn't contain his excitement and squeed like a chick all by himself while eyeing the guns. It was an intensely girly reaction, and he was thankful he kept his man card by standing in the hunting section.

He couldn't help but yell out 'fuck yeah' with a fist pump, when it was announced that his special guest would be Lynnard Skynnard. He could hear shouts of joy echo throughout the supercenter.

He finished up his shopping eager to get home and find out the details. He spun out of the parking lot getting a lot of catcalls from the Wal-Mart workers who were outside smoking. They loved a man in a supped out Trans Am.

His first order of business was to drive to the library so he could get on the Internet and see when the tickets were going on sale. He also needed to find out where the closest venue was. He was nervous about entering the library and prided himself with the fact that he hadn't been to one since middle school.

Edward was surprised to see that the parking lot was packed. Who knew the place was so popular? He soon understood when he saw the line for the row of computers. Letting out a deep breath in frustration, he turned to leave bumping right into a library employee.

"Sorry darlin'," he said with a wink and a flip of his gorgeously flowing mullet.

"No problem. You new around here? I've never had you..I mean seen you," she stammered.

"Yep. My whole family moved here since septic tanks are plentiful."

"Well, I think I'd like you to suck out my tank. Things have been a bit rank, but money is tight right now. Any way to work out some sort of exchange?" she attempted to flip her hair, but the outstanding Aqua Net hold wasn't having it.

It took Edward a minute to realize that she was hitting on him. He didn't want to lead her on, but he desperately needed to use a computer.

"I do need to use a computer. Think you can help me with that, sugar? I'll see what I can do about a discount for your tank."

"Sure thing. My name's Jessica by the way. You can call me Jessie though. _All_ my boys..I mean friends do." She was eyeing him up and down, and Edward was starting to feel a little bit like a piece of beef jerky at a hunting convention.

"So do you think you can get on your pretty little computer and check something out for me?" Edward was afraid to tell her why he desperately needed the info. He felt awkward getting gawked at like a piece of meat, but really wanted to make sure he didn't fuck up Bella's gift.

Jessie jutted out her chest and purposely leaned over her computer terminal giving Edward a VIP view of her cleavage. Maybe to other guys it would be some sort of sexy, but to him she looked like she stuffed five pounds of her goods into a three pound bag...or in this case, bra.

He told her what he wanted to know and with a few clicks of her Lee press-on nails she told him that the concert was being held a mere hour drive away. She let out a squeal when she told him that it was on Valentine's Day weekend.

"So Eddie, who you gonna take with you? I love that American bad ass." She was cracking her gum, and as she attempted to wink, her fake eyelashes came undone and were hanging by a thread..._literally. _Edward knew he had to tell her about his chick.

"Yeah, he's a cowboy, baby. I'm taking my girl for Valentine's Day." He felt himself break into a cheesy grin and his dick was suddenly alive with the sound of the music that was Bella.

"That's alright I guess. I've got my baby's daddy Mike to keep me busy. If you end up wantin' to hang out, you know where to find me."

All Edward could think was that parts of her were already hanging out, and he was happy if he never had to see any more of those parts again.

The tickets were going on sale the following Saturday and Edward was grateful that the Winn-Dixie had a Ticketmaster counter. The only problem was he knew there would be people camping out all night in order to get tickets. There was no way he could manage to do that without Bella finding out what he was up to. He had to figure out a way to get tickets; there was no way in hell he was going to miss out on seeing the Rock and Roll Jesus.

In the middle of the night Edward shot up out of a dead sleep with an ingenious idea. He knew exactly what to do in order to get the tickets. It was going to require the help of is livelihood. He laid back down with a smile on his face and hand on his crotch. Life was good for Edward Cullen.

()()()()

There was something about the scent of the bowling alley that helped an otherwise shy Bella Swan turn on the charm the moment she walked in. The fellas from Aro's Meat Market were more than pleased when Bella started working at the alley. It was their one night out and their team was in first place. Bella flirted perfectly and made sure that the pitchers of Pabst Blue Ribbon were always full, and that they had snacks galore. They termed her their good luck charm which in turn made her a lot of money in tips.

The longer she worked there, the tighter her daisy duke shorts became and the lower her personalized bowler jersey was buttoned. The tightness of her shorts had to do with all of the beer and snacks that she consumed because she didn't want to seem rude. Bella had her first case of camel toe because of the generosity of the meat men.

One evening while she was filling up their pitchers, she overheard them stressing themselves out over a new slogan. Business had been slumping a bit due to the overeager vegans, and they felt like they needed a fresh and new appearance. Bella went home that evening racking her brain trying to come up with something catchy.

She anxiously awaited the next Friday knowing it was the day their league played. Not only had she come up with a slogan, she also found a piece of cardboard and had gone to work decorating it so that she could professionally present them with their new advertising campaign.

After a couple of games of beer pong in-between bowlers, Bella was feeling confident enough to present them with their future.

"Fellas, I've been working on a little somethin' somethin' for your business." She was still a little nervous and was chewing on her lip as if it was Big League Chew.

"Alright, sweet cheeks. We've come up with zero, so let's hear it," said the captain of the bowling team and assistant manager of the butcher shop, Tyler.

Here goes nothing, Bella thought. Clearing her throat, she retrieved the hidden cardboard, took in a deep breath and presented her idea to the ever attentive team of bowlers.

"Aro's Meat Market: You May Beat Our Prices, but You Can't Beat Our Meat."

Bella stood before them fidgeting. They were silent and staring at her. Just as she was about to turn and run for the hills slow applause started and then was followed with cheers. Chants of 'Bella' filled the bowling alley. She could feel her face heating up and was so proud of herself for a successful slogan.

Tyler pulled her aside and told her it was ingenious. He was going to run it by his father, Aro. He pulled his hand back and was about to playfully smack her on the ass, until he saw Edward walking toward them from the billiards room.

Bella was grateful for Edward's timing. Not only was she not interested in anyone else smacking her ass besides him, Edward would have kicked the shit out of Tyler for touching her. She was proud of her slogan and knew she wouldn't get any credit if Tyler was left bleeding because of her alluring behind.

The following week Bella was driving to the county health department with a very pregnant Alice so she could get her food stamps. She waited in the car with Little Jazz when she heard the most fuck-awesome announcement on the radio. Kid Rock was coming in concert. If only she could get her hands on some tickets, Edward would be the happiest man alive. Bella made it her mission to surprise him with tickets for Valentine's Day. After all, it was the day of love and Edward did love him some Bob Richie.

When Alice waddled out, she told her about the concert. "Motherfucker! I've been wanting to see him forever. That man is so hot. What I wouldn't do for five minutes alone with him. There's no way we can afford to go. This baby is sucking us dry, and the little fucker isn't even here yet."

Bella felt bad for Alice and couldn't even imagine having two kids. The carnival season was over, and they had stopped traveling south due to her pregnancy. Jasper had been helping Emmett fix his derby cars for some cash, but Alice felt bad that she wasn't able to help bring in any money. Bella told her she had the rest of her life to work and watched in amazement as her little friend managed to pack a whole cheek full of chew while driving and talking.

"What, Bella? It calms my nerves. It's not like I'm smoking or anything, geez."

Bella hadn't even said a word about the fact that chewing tobacco was expensive as hell and pretty damn gross; especially when a pregnant woman was doing it.

They made it back to the park, and though it was cold outside and the trailers were buttoned up tight, you could still smell the scent of roasting venison in the air. The trailer park was well fed during hunting season.

Esme was making dinner for everyone. Rose and Emmett had just gotten back from a three day hunting trip. Emmett was still sulking because Rose, with the help of her boys, scored an eight point buck. It was going to look incredible in the Cullen's' living room.

Though Bella was excited about dinner, she was also anxious to find out about the tickets, namely how much they were. Bella had been using her bowling tips to pay off her Christmas bills. Money was tight but the Kid from Detroit Rock City was worth every penny. She knew that Charlie had access to a computer at the 7-eleven and planned to go there afterward.

The Cullen residence was decorated to the nines for Valentines Day. Bella swore that Esme still had her Christmas tree up the day before. She must have been working all night and day to pull off such a transformation. Carlisle was absent, though the sound of snoring echoed through the doublewide. He obviously took part in the decorations. Bella always strived to make a good impression on her boyfriend's family. They seemed to like her and she was pleased.

Edward sat close to his girl at dinner and as soon as it was time for desert he grabbed her hand under the table. Bella thought he was being sweetly romantic, especially when he placed it on his rock hard erection. She gasped in surprise, and as if on cue his dick twitched. It was like his cock's way of winking at her.

"Bella baby, didn't you say that we had to go to your place to help Charlie out?" Edward liked his gorgeous lips and looked at Bella with desire.

"Yep, I sure did." Both Edward and Bella knew that he would be working well into the night.

The horny lovebirds made it to the Swan's trailer in record time. Before they were even inside, Edward had his limp dick hanging out of his jeans. Once inside Bella turned to him and was a little startled by what she saw. Edward was swinging his still limp appendage in a circle as if it were a lasso.

"Edward, be careful with it. You're gonna rip it off!" Bella screamed out with anxiety.

"Take it easy, baby. This was my claim to fame back where I came from. This trick won first place in the Dick Olympics."

He continued lassoing for a bit and Bella swore it was stretching so long it looked like a piece of taffy. She could barely stand to watch and feared for her sex life. She didn't want to know what other events were featured in the Olympics Edward spoke of. She found herself picking at her split ends waiting for the entertainment to stop.

"Ow, fuck," she exclaimed as something smacked her in the back.

"Sorry hun, sometimes the snake gets a little out of control. Settle down you crazy animal." He was now talking to his 'snake' and the more he caressed it, the bigger it got. Bella forgot about her split ends and stared in awe as the 'snake' grew into its skin.

She dropped her pants leaving them pooled around her ankles and shuffled over to the end table. Bella looked at her hot hunk of a man, and at his mighty python, and licked her lips seductively. She motioned for him to come toward her with her pointer finger.

"Baby, your snake needs to slide back into its' hole."

Edward sauntered over and pushed Bella forward so that her hands were on the table. He grabbed her hips and lined up behind her. He attempted to simply just stick it in but was met with a bit of resistance due to the lack of foreplay. He wondered how she wasn't dripping wet after his Olympic performance.

He got on his knees and started licking her slit like it was a can of Spam. His girl was moaning in delight, as he continued to munch on her goods. He stood up and pushed himself into his lady. He began to pound into her, and if one didn't know better they might have thought he was having a seizure. He felt himself close to exploding and reached in front of her to rub her nub.

Bella moaned out in pleasure and knew she better let herself succumb to the feelings of ecstasy before Edward finished.

Her moans egged him on and his movements became even more feverish. He pulled all the way out of her sweet hole and rammed his love stick back in. Bella yelped and clenched down on his dick. He had never felt something so tight. She suddenly moved away from him and then turned around and punched him in the stomach.

"Ow, baby. Sup?"

"Fuck, Edward. You just stuck it in my asshole. That there's an exit only," she said as she pointed to her exit sign. "Fucking Emmett. Did that bastard make you watch the porno bloopers too?"

"What? No, I swear! Shit, sorry. I mean, um, sorry." Edward did not want to think about shit at a time like that. He snuck a peek at his pecker to make sure it was free of the nasty substance that he was so used to seeing at work. Bella leaned herself against the awesome velvet recliner that was Charlie's pride and joy. There was no way she was bending back over. "Baby, please let me bust a nut." Edward gazed at her lovingly.

She obliged, and Edward spread her legs open and wrapped them around his waist. He looked her in the eyes and entered the right hole. He moved fast and steady until he knew he was close to the finish line. Bella was yanking on his hair and scratching his back. He loved when a woman was rough. He thought about her punch and it was enough to send him over the edge.

"Who's the man? That's right, I'm the man. I'm the fucking man!" Edward pulled out and spurted his love all over the side of Charlie's recliner. "Oops. Bella, you better clean that up. I wouldn't want Charlie to get jealous of my awesomeness."

Bella snorted and knew that Charlie would kill Edward if he knew his recliner had been tainted with love juice.

()()()()

The day had arrived. The Kid Rock tickets were going on sale. Edward was on the move in his pumper truck with his plan set in stone. The Cullen's had the contract with the greasy spoon that was next to the grocery store. Their grease trap needed cleaned every few months and what better of a day to do it? Edward chuckled to himself when he pulled up in front and noticed the line that wrapped around the building. He was so glad he didn't wait in it like those losers.

He uncovered the trap and patiently waited until a quarter till ten to accidentally on purpose hit reverse on his hose. Instead of sucking the grease out, waste from inside the tank of the truck poured out. It only took a minute for him to hear the grumblings of those in line.

The raw sewage started running down the pavement, and he could see mass chaos erupting. He shut off the hose and calmly walked to the entrance placing cones around the contaminated area. Before anyone could give him shit, pun intended, he started rambling on about the importance of getting your systems taken care of regularly. It was a win win situation. Once the smell overpowered the area, he was sure to gain some business.

He walked into the store and right up to the Ticketmaster counter at precisely ten o'clock. Edward held in a smug smile, as he walked out with two incredible tickets. It was only then that the others realized it was after ten and stopped staring at the sewage long enough to go get their own tickets.

Edward walked to the truck, and as he was leaning over to reverse the gauge, he noticed something sparkling amongst the foul liquid. He secured his mask and leaned over to take a closer look. He couldn't believe his eyes and his luck. He reached down and pulled out a diamond ring. Wiping it off on his shirt, he was taken back by the beautiful sparkle of a marquee diamond that had to be at least a half of a karat, set in yellow gold.

He realized that the concert was now just an added bonus for Bella, her perfect gift, though a bit smelly, was held in the palm of his hand.

()()()()

Bella was working hard for her money at the bowling alley. Her boss begged her to do some dishes in the kitchen much to her dismay. She cranked up the radio counting down the dishes until she was finished. Just as she was about to walk away from the sink, K-Rock announced that they were giving away two tickets to the Kid Rock concert to the sixty-ninth caller.

Bella giggled when they said 'sixty-nine' and ran her scantily clad ass to the phone. She was so nervous when she tried to dial, that she screwed up the numbers. She tried again and crossed her fingers and toes, as she waited for someone to answer.

"This is Felix at K-Rock. Congratulations you're the sixty-ninth caller!"

"Hells yeah," Bella exclaimed.

The entire bowling alley gathered around her trying to be her new BFF when they found out what she had won. She assured them that the other ticket was spoken for, and suddenly she wasn't so popular. As she was about to leave, she heard her name being called and turned around to see Tyler.

"Hey Bella, you seem like a pretty smart broad with a good head on your shoulders. You even have a high school diploma. My old man wants to know if you want a job. He loved the slogan, and said he has to have you. He said to tell you that you would help with the books, advertising and answering the phones. If things get slow you'll measure his sausage, plump his rump roasts, price his tube steak, and pull the skin taut on his wieners. You'd be working days, and he said he'd pay you more than you're making here."

"How soon can I start?" Bella was having a fantastic day.

Bella went home in an incredible mood. She hoped Edward would be supportive of her new job with the meat men. She certainly wasn't going to beat their meat, and for that she was sure he'd be thankful.

()()()()

It was Thursday; the day of love had finally arrived. There was so much love floating through the Forks Trailer Park you could almost smell it. Everyone seemed to be paired up. Alice and Jasper hooked Riley up with a carnie that they brought home, and Charlie had been sneaking romps with a fellow 7-eleven worker during their breaks. Edward finished pumping early and hurried home to clean up. He couldn't wait to give Bella her gift. He was super relieved to find out that she didn't have to work at the bowling alley on Saturday which was the night of the concert.

Bella was excited to give Edward his gift. She rushed home from the meat market and jumped in the shower. She needed to wash the smell of beef off of her body. She decided to give Edward yet another surprise, as she started to groom her pubes into the shape of a heart. She looked in the mirror and was pleased. It was a little crooked, so she matted some of the hair down with gel to cover her mistake. Once the gel set, you could definitely tell it was a Valentine. She covered up the comb-over heart shaped bush with some skimpy red panties and reveled in her sexiness.

She threw some chicken wings into the deep fryer and continued to ready herself for Edward. Once her hair was curled and her makeup was on, she stuck two beer mugs into the freezer and doused herself with body spray. After dressing in her favorite stretch pants and a dressy shirt, she blotted her lip gloss on a tissue and set the table.

When Edward walked in, Bella ran to him and jumped up in a straddling hug. They French kissed until her lip gloss was spread all over his face. It was if they hadn't seen each other in weeks instead of just hours.

"Happy Valentine's Day you hot little piece of ass." Edward grabbed onto Bella's hot ass for emphasis.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you, stud."

The beep of the deep fryer put an end to their affections. They ate their wings and sipped their beer from the frosted mugs. It really was a special evening. They moved to the family room once they were finished in the kitchen.

Bella took her seat upon Edward's lap where they exchanged the gift of sucker bites before the actual gifts they picked out for each other. Edward was anxious to give Bella her gift. He pulled out an envelope, and she did the same. They decided to open them at the same time.

They both tore the respective envelopes open carefully and nervously snuck glances at each other. Bella let out a gasp when she realized that they had given each other the same thing.

"Goddamn, Bella. This is the best gift anyone has ever given me. I love you, darlin'."

"Edward, these seats rock! You had to do a lot of pumping to buy these bad boys."

They decided to give the other two tickets to Alice and Jasper for their last hurrah before baby number two. Edward couldn't wait to give Bella the gift of himself, when he proposed at the concert. The ring had cleaned up nicely and was at the jewelers getting the inscription changed to something more fitting than 'Rob & Kristen forever'. It wasn't Edward's fault that the ring had gotten flushed down the toilet.

Edward unbuttoned Bella's pants and was amazed at the perfection he saw. "Bella, you have my heart, now can I have yours?" He waggled his eyebrows, as he stared at her heart shaped snatch.

She nodded at him seductively, "Eat your heart out, baby."

After spending the remainder of the evening showing each other just how much they appreciated one another; they were sure that they were meant to be.

It was the best Valentine's Day that either one of them had ever experienced. They were in love with each other and Kid Rock. It was sure to be a fuck-awesome weekend.


End file.
